Today I Feel

It's crazy to think where time and feelings and thoughts have brought me.
The last post i wrote about was how grateful I am for Talor. 
I still am grateful for him and all he has taught me. 
Now today is a different story. 
I am now writing about divorce and sadness but also a happiness.
I will be honest with myself.
I knew the day before I married him I would face real challenges.
I wanted to lie to myself and say everything was going to be okay but I knew in my heart,
that there would be trials harder than what I thought i could ever imagine. 
I am not writing this to make Talor out to be a bad person or husband. 
That is not my intentions whatsoever.
We had amazing moments and fun times that i will always cherish.
I always knew there was a piece of me missing in our marriage.
I felt as if I couldn't be myself and be happy. 
I was trying to be someone i wasn't. 
I was feeling as if i was put into a room full of smog trying to breathe.
I finally said i couldn't do it anymore and made the hardest decision of my life. 
He was confused to why all the sudden I wanted out.
Trying to explain only brought more frustration.
I just wasn't happy.
I had been really contemplating the idea of divorce for a long time until finally i broke.
Enough is enough. 
I struggled to make the decision but i knew it was the only thing that would help me become the 
person i knew i once was. 
That fun, outgoing, spunky girl that lit up the room when she walked in.
I prayed so hard to make sure this was the right thing.
Now let me get this straight.
Heavenly Father never said "Sabrina you need to divorce Talor."
I told him I want to be happy.
He wants me happy.
I doubted myself many times but like i said earlier i wasn't going to lie to myself.
I knew this is what needed to be done for me to be truly happy.
Once i made my decision, i felt so at peace like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Does that mean i am happy now? 
No. Not even close.
I shared moments with Talor that are raw and real. 
But i know we will both be happier.
I want the very best for him.
 I want him to learn and grow to become the husband that his future
wife is searching for.
My heart is heavy as I write that.
I feel a sense of guilt as a wife that maybe didn't meet all of his needs as well.
I have learned through all this that Heavenly Father is so alive 
and is right by your side if you allow him.
I have gained such a strong testimony though this trial that it brings tears to my eyes.
He wants the very best for all of us. 
He loves us.
I gained my testimony through something so hard and difficult but to know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and knows my needs, 
I am ever grateful to him.
I can feel his warmth around me.
 I can feel him guiding me.
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not yet the end."


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