Today I Feel

It's crazy to think where time and feelings and thoughts have brought me.

The last post i wrote about was how grateful I am for Talor. 

I still am grateful for him and all he has taught me. 

Now today is a different story. 

I am now writing about divorce and sadness but also a happiness.

I will be honest with myself.

I knew the day before I married him I would face real challenges.

I wanted to lie to myself and say everything was going to be okay but I knew in my heart,

that there would be trials harder than what I thought i could ever imagine. 

I am not writing this to make Talor out to be a bad person or husband. 

That is not my intentions whatsoever.

We had amazing moments and fun times that i will always cherish.

Always.

I always knew there was a piece of me missing in our marriage.

I felt as if I couldn't be myself and be happy. 

I was trying to be someone i wasn't. 

I was feeling as if i was put into a room full of smog trying to breathe.

I finally said i couldn't do it anymore and made the hardest decision of my life. 

He was confused to why all the sudden I wanted out.

Trying to explain only brought more frustration.

I just wasn't happy.

I had been really contemplating the idea of divorce for a long time until finally i broke.

Enough is enough. 

I struggled to make the decision but i knew it was the only thing that would help me become the 

person i knew i once was. 

That fun, outgoing, spunky girl that lit up the room when she walked in.

I prayed so hard to make sure this was the right thing.

Now let me get this straight.

Heavenly Father never said "Sabrina you need to divorce Talor."

I told him I want to be happy.

He wants me happy.

I doubted myself many times but like i said earlier i wasn't going to lie to myself.

I knew this is what needed to be done for me to be truly happy.

Once i made my decision, i felt so at peace like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Does that mean i am happy now? 

No. Not even close.

I shared moments with Talor that are raw and real. 

But i know we will both be happier.

I want the very best for him.

 I want him to learn and grow to become the husband that his future

wife is searching for.

My heart is heavy as I write that.

I feel a sense of guilt as a wife that maybe didn't meet all of his needs as well.

I have learned through all this that Heavenly Father is so alive 

and is right by your side if you allow him.

I have gained such a strong testimony though this trial that it brings tears to my eyes.

He wants the very best for all of us. 

He loves us.

I gained my testimony through something so hard and difficult but to know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and knows my needs, 

I am ever grateful to him.

I can feel his warmth around me.

 I can feel him guiding me.

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not yet the end."