feelings

its Valentine's Day.

while talor is at work, im at home with a cold. 

i wish this day didn't exist to be honest. 

everyone pronounces their love for one another and it seems that today is the only day love is supported. 

not for me. 

i wish to show my love 24/7 and not just on the 14th of February.

this is just an excuse to buy great gifts and eat chocolate out of a heart shaped cardboard box. 

not complaining about the gifts or chocolate. 

Anyways, this month just seems like its not going anywhere.

i feel like my days are the same old routine. 

talor wakes up at 4:30, goes to the gym, comes homes gets ready for work, kisses me goodbye and is gone for the day.

im tired of being alone. 

i know its selfish of me to think and say but i am.

school and work drowns life.

im sure this is the way for most people.

i wish money didnt exist.

i wish knowledge was easy.

i think i just need to make this year one to remember.

in the summer,

talor and i have decided to move to Denver to sell pest control.

who knows if it will even happen.

i need a change.

i need life and i want to see the beauty in all things.

i feel like i take things for half of what they really are.

i need to be on my own and devote my time to more serious things.

having my first miscarriage really opened my eyes to life around me.

i know everything happens for a reason and i am so thankful for that.

trials make you stronger.

of course it is still hard to see the people i care about pregnant or having their baby.

do i feel spite or anger? 

or am i happy and loving for them to begin their journey as a mother and family?

i am not angry.

it takes time to heal and thats what im trying to do. 

i think it will be a good change for us to move away just so we can start new.

i want to become a better wife and person for talor. 

he deserves so much and i feel like starting fresh is going to help me find who i really am.

i guess im not making sense of this but i know God has a plan for each and every one of us.

back to valentines day.

talor surprised me with an old vintage piano.

i have no idea how to play it but its very cute.

i want to learn because music in the home is the easiest way to bring the spirit in.

i want my children to become musically involved.

music is a true talent and we are to share it with others.

i am spending all my free time trying to understand the keys and notes.

just messing around but im learning to read notes and make songs.

i love learning.

as for talors gift,

he is a Major watch freak.

i bought him a 51-30 nixon watch.

he loves it!

which makes me sooo happy because i was nervous to give it to him.

anyways we are both happy and the world goes round!

i think im done. :) 

xoxo

the babe

 this week was hard.

it all started around 2:30 p.m. on feb. 2.

i woke up from a nap and had to go to the bathroom like normal.

i saw what i never wanted to see.

blood. 

i called for my mom because i was at her house and she ran into the bathroom.

i showed her and asked if this was normal.

she said she was unsure but to call the doctor.

my sister came into the living room where i was crying and told me it didnt mean that i was having a miscarriage but that maybe the baby is just implanting itself a little late.

i was still worried. 

i called the doctor and they told me if the bleeding continues and is a heavy bleeding,

that i needed to go to the emergency room.

the bleeding stopped for about 2 hours.

i went pee again and this time the blood was a little darker. 

i was relieved because i heard dark blood was old blood and that was a good sign.

i didnt want to think of what it really could have been.

that night, the cramps began to grow stronger and stronger.

i woke up with a burning sensation and the worst cramps that i have ever experienced.

talor told me earlier that day that he read online, if your cramps are unbearable it could be a miscarriage.

i woke up at 12:34 with the pain so strong.

i thought maybe if i go pee it will relieve some pressure.

that moment was the worst moment a woman can go through.

this being my first baby i was already so attached.

not trying to gross anyone out but as i was peeing the entire sac fell into the toilet.

i was devastated. talor was asleep and as i was crying for his name,

he woke up and comforted me. 

i was a mess.

the next morning i went to the doctor for blood work.

the doctor checked my cervix and made sure i was doing alright.

she sent me to get and ultra sound just to make sure everything was ok.

most uncomfortable thing i have ever had to go through.

today, the doctor called and told me i was A+ for my blood type and that my pregnancy hormones were at 270 which is really high.

they scheduled me for another appointment just to make sure my levels go down.

she told me to NOT get pregnant in these next two weeks because my levels are so high.

whatever that means...

anyways,

talor has been so supportive and has been able to keep my mind off of this.

he took me to the mall to walk around and went to lunch with me and a girlfriend.

i couldnt have asked for a better companion.  

he has stayed so strong.

i really look up to him as a husband and father.

i know this was meant to happen for a reason.

the baby was not healthy and Heavenly Father knew this.

i know i will get to raise my children when the time is right.

this has made me a stronger wife and future mother.

as for now,

i will continue to live my life as i was before.

i want the best for my children and Heavenly Father knows whats best for me and my family.

i trust in Him.