Today I Feel

It's crazy to think where time and feelings and thoughts have brought me.

The last post i wrote about was how grateful I am for Talor. 

I still am grateful for him and all he has taught me. 

Now today is a different story. 

I am now writing about divorce and sadness but also a happiness.

I will be honest with myself.

I knew the day before I married him I would face real challenges.

I wanted to lie to myself and say everything was going to be okay but I knew in my heart,

that there would be trials harder than what I thought i could ever imagine. 

I am not writing this to make Talor out to be a bad person or husband. 

That is not my intentions whatsoever.

We had amazing moments and fun times that i will always cherish.

Always.

I always knew there was a piece of me missing in our marriage.

I felt as if I couldn't be myself and be happy. 

I was trying to be someone i wasn't. 

I was feeling as if i was put into a room full of smog trying to breathe.

I finally said i couldn't do it anymore and made the hardest decision of my life. 

He was confused to why all the sudden I wanted out.

Trying to explain only brought more frustration.

I just wasn't happy.

I had been really contemplating the idea of divorce for a long time until finally i broke.

Enough is enough. 

I struggled to make the decision but i knew it was the only thing that would help me become the 

person i knew i once was. 

That fun, outgoing, spunky girl that lit up the room when she walked in.

I prayed so hard to make sure this was the right thing.

Now let me get this straight.

Heavenly Father never said "Sabrina you need to divorce Talor."

I told him I want to be happy.

He wants me happy.

I doubted myself many times but like i said earlier i wasn't going to lie to myself.

I knew this is what needed to be done for me to be truly happy.

Once i made my decision, i felt so at peace like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Does that mean i am happy now? 

No. Not even close.

I shared moments with Talor that are raw and real. 

But i know we will both be happier.

I want the very best for him.

 I want him to learn and grow to become the husband that his future

wife is searching for.

My heart is heavy as I write that.

I feel a sense of guilt as a wife that maybe didn't meet all of his needs as well.

I have learned through all this that Heavenly Father is so alive 

and is right by your side if you allow him.

I have gained such a strong testimony though this trial that it brings tears to my eyes.

He wants the very best for all of us. 

He loves us.

I gained my testimony through something so hard and difficult but to know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and knows my needs, 

I am ever grateful to him.

I can feel his warmth around me.

 I can feel him guiding me.

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not yet the end."

 

 

 

talor clark

i just want to show my appreciation for my husband. 

he has stood by my side since we met.

he does so much for me.

i find myself feeling ungrateful at times for all his hard work.

i am so blessed that he works and goes to school to support us.

i know there is not much i can do for him except love and support him in all his decisions.

he is so strong. 

he has the motivation to do anything he puts his mind to.

if talor was not apart of my life, i would be lost.

he is such a great example to me.

his testimony is so strong and he is so strong in the church.

all talor has to give is love and humilty. 

i love that i know that talor and Heavenly Father are so close.

 he is such a sweet spirit.

i feel so loved.

he is my rock.

i know that he is working extremely hard for his family and he knows it is all going to pay off.

i know i dont show him love and compassion as much as i need to.

i just want him to know how much i love him and how happy and blessed i am to have him in my life.

i love you talor clark hassell.

im so glad we are going to be together for eternity.

:)

feelings

its Valentine's Day.

while talor is at work, im at home with a cold. 

i wish this day didn't exist to be honest. 

everyone pronounces their love for one another and it seems that today is the only day love is supported. 

not for me. 

i wish to show my love 24/7 and not just on the 14th of February.

this is just an excuse to buy great gifts and eat chocolate out of a heart shaped cardboard box. 

not complaining about the gifts or chocolate. 

Anyways, this month just seems like its not going anywhere.

i feel like my days are the same old routine. 

talor wakes up at 4:30, goes to the gym, comes homes gets ready for work, kisses me goodbye and is gone for the day.

im tired of being alone. 

i know its selfish of me to think and say but i am.

school and work drowns life.

im sure this is the way for most people.

i wish money didnt exist.

i wish knowledge was easy.

i think i just need to make this year one to remember.

in the summer,

talor and i have decided to move to Denver to sell pest control.

who knows if it will even happen.

i need a change.

i need life and i want to see the beauty in all things.

i feel like i take things for half of what they really are.

i need to be on my own and devote my time to more serious things.

having my first miscarriage really opened my eyes to life around me.

i know everything happens for a reason and i am so thankful for that.

trials make you stronger.

of course it is still hard to see the people i care about pregnant or having their baby.

do i feel spite or anger? 

or am i happy and loving for them to begin their journey as a mother and family?

i am not angry.

it takes time to heal and thats what im trying to do. 

i think it will be a good change for us to move away just so we can start new.

i want to become a better wife and person for talor. 

he deserves so much and i feel like starting fresh is going to help me find who i really am.

i guess im not making sense of this but i know God has a plan for each and every one of us.

back to valentines day.

talor surprised me with an old vintage piano.

i have no idea how to play it but its very cute.

i want to learn because music in the home is the easiest way to bring the spirit in.

i want my children to become musically involved.

music is a true talent and we are to share it with others.

i am spending all my free time trying to understand the keys and notes.

just messing around but im learning to read notes and make songs.

i love learning.

as for talors gift,

he is a Major watch freak.

i bought him a 51-30 nixon watch.

he loves it!

which makes me sooo happy because i was nervous to give it to him.

anyways we are both happy and the world goes round!

i think im done. :) 

xoxo

the babe

 this week was hard.

it all started around 2:30 p.m. on feb. 2.

i woke up from a nap and had to go to the bathroom like normal.

i saw what i never wanted to see.

blood. 

i called for my mom because i was at her house and she ran into the bathroom.

i showed her and asked if this was normal.

she said she was unsure but to call the doctor.

my sister came into the living room where i was crying and told me it didnt mean that i was having a miscarriage but that maybe the baby is just implanting itself a little late.

i was still worried. 

i called the doctor and they told me if the bleeding continues and is a heavy bleeding,

that i needed to go to the emergency room.

the bleeding stopped for about 2 hours.

i went pee again and this time the blood was a little darker. 

i was relieved because i heard dark blood was old blood and that was a good sign.

i didnt want to think of what it really could have been.

that night, the cramps began to grow stronger and stronger.

i woke up with a burning sensation and the worst cramps that i have ever experienced.

talor told me earlier that day that he read online, if your cramps are unbearable it could be a miscarriage.

i woke up at 12:34 with the pain so strong.

i thought maybe if i go pee it will relieve some pressure.

that moment was the worst moment a woman can go through.

this being my first baby i was already so attached.

not trying to gross anyone out but as i was peeing the entire sac fell into the toilet.

i was devastated. talor was asleep and as i was crying for his name,

he woke up and comforted me. 

i was a mess.

the next morning i went to the doctor for blood work.

the doctor checked my cervix and made sure i was doing alright.

she sent me to get and ultra sound just to make sure everything was ok.

most uncomfortable thing i have ever had to go through.

today, the doctor called and told me i was A+ for my blood type and that my pregnancy hormones were at 270 which is really high.

they scheduled me for another appointment just to make sure my levels go down.

she told me to NOT get pregnant in these next two weeks because my levels are so high.

whatever that means...

anyways,

talor has been so supportive and has been able to keep my mind off of this.

he took me to the mall to walk around and went to lunch with me and a girlfriend.

i couldnt have asked for a better companion.  

he has stayed so strong.

i really look up to him as a husband and father.

i know this was meant to happen for a reason.

the baby was not healthy and Heavenly Father knew this.

i know i will get to raise my children when the time is right.

this has made me a stronger wife and future mother.

as for now,

i will continue to live my life as i was before.

i want the best for my children and Heavenly Father knows whats best for me and my family.

i trust in Him.

my first post.

i figure that i better start sometime because my life is so interesting. 

i have to thank rissa for making me do this. i was intimidated by bloggers because some people are pro at this. so dont judge. 

i guess ill begin this by saying i love my life. of course i have my ups and downs but who doesnt? i have days where i feel like the world is in my hands and i can do anything and days where i feel like the weight of the world in on my shoulders. 

so many great things have happened in the last year. 

on april 15th i became one with my eternal companion. talor clark hassell. 

of course i was told that life was about to get crazy and hard but i didnt believe it.

i thought marriage was a fairytale.

and it is. 

marriage takes work and its what you put into it that your going to get out of it. 

talor and i just had our second christmas together but our first as an old married couple. 

it was great.

spent lots of money on each other but it was well worth it. :)

talor and i just had our 9 month on jan. 15th. 

that was also the day our lives would change forever. 

who knew a little white stick that said yes + or no - could make you the happiest person in the world?

the longest three minutes of our lives were in the hands of the pee stick.

the blinking timer kept blinking and blinking and blinking. 

ta da! the test came back postive! we were soooo excited! (still are)

we had been trying since we got married to have a bundle of joy in our arms. 

of course talor wants a boy and i want a girl but no matter the outcome, we will both be so happy and blessed. 

im only a couple weeks so its still new and my body is going through many changes. 

my boobs have never hurt this bad in my whole life. haha

its just the best feeling i have ever had knowing i am the home for this baby for the next 9 months. its really crazy to think about.

well besides being pregnant, we live the lives of any other newlyweds. our days consist of school, work, homework, dinner, (if we even eat) and then bed (by 9:00 P.M.). 

talor is going to school for physical therapy and he is a hard worker at unicon. 

he is a brain freak. i cant be motivated to go to school even if i tried. 

im so thankful for him and all that he does for our little family.

while he is at school, i do hair and eyelash extensions. keeps me busy. and i love doing it. :)

i think its time for me to rest my head and dream till there are no dreams left.

goodnight.

xo.xo.xo.